The Moment I Said It
by sarahxxxlovey
Summary: Inspired by a Imogen Heap Song. LJ. A few little shots of LJ Throughout their marrige. Not fluffy, not very romantic.


**DISCLAIMER: I don't own the song "The Moment I Said It", Imgen Heap does. I also dont own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does. And in the end, all I is my computer.**

Inspired by the song "The Moment I said It" by Imogen Heap

_The moment I said it,  
The moment I opened my mouth  
Lead in your eyelids,  
Bulldozed the life out of me  
I know what you're thinking,  
But darling you're not thinking straight  
Sadly things just happen, we can't explain_

Lily watched James' chest rise with each breath he took. He looked so innocent and peaceful.

She had been scared out her mind; he had scared her so bad. What was he thinking, going in front of the bludger that was on a warpath? He could have died.

His eyes opened slowly, and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"L-Lily?" he asked uncertainly.

"Yes," she replied softly, "How are you?"

"I have a bloody awful headache," he said, shifting so he was more upright, "What happened?"

"You… You were hit by a bludger, James" she said softly, straightening his sheets slightly.

"Was I really?" James smiled, "Well that explains the headache!" Lily smiled sadly.

"You scared me half to death, James." Lily said, her voice breaking. Hot tears poured out of her eyes as she looked at him.

"Lily, my sweet Lily, don't cry." James begged, "I'm alright, I'm fine now."

"But what if you hadn't been?" Lily asked through her sobbing.

"Lily, come here," he said a little forcefully, looking into her piercing green eyes. She got out of her chair and walked over to his bed, before sliding under the covers with him. He put his arm around her and his other hand under her chin, forcing her to look up into his captivating eyes.

"I will never leave you. I'll die protecting you. I swear, I'll do anything for you, Lils. I love you."

The passion and sincerity in his voice didn't waver for a second, and quite frankly it scared her a little bit.

"James, you just got hit with a bludger, You're not thinking right." She said softly, laying her head on his chest.

"But Lily-"

"No buts James, you're not thinking right. Go to sleep." He sighed, and his eyes dulled slightly with hurt. She didn't believe him.

_It's not even light out,  
But you've somewhere to be  
No hesitation  
No I've never seen you like this,  
And I don't like it  
I don't like it  
I don't like it at all_

His parents were dead. Attacked by Death Eaters.

Lily sat on the couch and watched him in the kitchen making them lunch in the small kitchen of their house. It wasn't like him at all. A month ago he would have been bouncing around the kitchen, talking about his and Sirius's latest escapade. But he wasn't. He was walking slowly, his back slouched, head bent, and eyes more sad then Lily had ever seen them.

"James," she said softly, "come here." He looked up from the sandwiches and came to sit on the couch. "James, talk to me. You have to talk to me" she begged.

"What's there to talk about?" he asked, his eyes not meeting hers.

"You can't do this to yourself, you have to let it go," Lily said, "James, please let go. Let go for me."

James looked sadly up at her. She was starlted with the raw emotion readable in his once bright hazel eyes.

"It's my fault, Lils," he whispered, staring at the couch once again, "Its my fault they're dead."

"You can't blame yourself for it," Lily urged, "you can't!" She pulled him in for a hug, and he flinched slightly.

She took his face in her hands, and searched it for the missing part. Where was her James? Where was the arrogant prat that she fell for?

"Where did you go James?"

_Just put back the car keys,  
Or somebody's gonna get hurt  
Who are you calling at this hour?  
Sit down, come round, I need you now  
We'll work it all out together,  
But we're getting nowhere tonight  
Now sleep, I promise it'll all seem better,  
Somehow in time_

"Padfoot, I'm dead serious…Please, as a last request…. Its not going to have any effect on me. No, I don't care. Don't you dare come over here! … WHY!? Because I'm sick of this. I'm sick of life!" James screamed and slammed the phone back down. He ran out of the room, grabbing the car keys on his way out.

"James?" a sweet voice called down the stairs before Lily emerged at the top of the stairs, "Where are you going?"

He glared with such anger that Lily stepped back in surprise. He whipped open the door open and slammed it behind him.

Lily ran down stairs, screaming his name, over and over again. She pulled her robe tighter around her.

"JAMES! Where are you going?!" she screamed in hysterics, "TALK TO ME JAMES!"

"I'M LEAVING!" James screamed back, "I'M SICK OF THIS! I HATE ALL OF THIS! MUM AND DAD ARE DEAD! VOLDEMORT IS AFTER US FOR GOD'S SAKE! AND ALL THAT YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT IS THE COLOR OF OUR FUCKING WALLS!"

"James!" she cried, "Don't go!" She fell onto the cement driveway, sobbing in anguish, "Don't leave me! Please, please don't leave me."

James stopped with the door half open. He turned around and looked blankly at Lily on her knees sobbing his name. He walked over to her and squatted.

"Let's go inside, Lils."

She looked up at him before he took her up in his arms and carried her frail body up to their bedroom.

_It's not even light out,  
Suddenly (suddenly) oh, you've somewhere to be  
With no hesitation  
Oh, I've never seen you like this  
You're scaring me  
You're scaring me  
You're scaring me to death_

James woke up in his bed cold, but with a body pressed up as close as possible against his own. He looked down at the face and expected to see the angelic face of his Lily. But he saw the face of some bleach blonde girl who looked like she was a raccoon.

_Who the bloody hell is this? _He wondered in his head. Suddenly images of last night flashed like a slideshow in his head.

Walking into the club…dancing, groping…driving home…taking eachothers clothes off….

Through all of this chaos only one word came to mind:

Lily.

Where was his precious Lily? Where was his lovely wife? What the fuck had he done?

He pushed the strange girl off of him and looked for his boxer, he found them outside of his bedroom door. Pulling them on, he walked down stairs and looked at the blank house. All of Lily's things were gone. The house was nothing to him.

He walked to the coffee pot, for the cup of coffee he always had to have right after he got up. He half expected Lily to be there to pour the cream into his cup and give him a good morning kiss. Instead he found a note:

Have a good life –LE

_I'm losing you, I'm losing you  
Trust me on this one  
I've got a bad feeling,  
Trust me on this one  
You're gonna throw it all away  
With no hesitation_

James sat on the couch, hysterical with grief, his head pounding from crying so long, his throat hoarse from screaming, and his body aching from going days with restless sleep.

How could he have done this? He had spent 7 bloody years of his life to get Lily to go on a date with him. He spent another 3 before marrying her. It had only been a month after they got married before his parents had been murdered. He had broken, he had snapped.

He couldn't have made a bigger mistake. The perfect woman for him had left him.  
For a good reason too. He had cheated on her. He had done the worst possible thing he could do to her.

He got up from the couch and walked into the kitchen, he noticed her wedding ring on the floor, next to a crumpled up pile of their notes from school, pictures of their honeymoon, pictures of them laughing with each others parents.

He picked them all up and smoothed them out, his tears falling still steadily on them.

He knew he had to make this right. He wiped his eyes, which were gleaming with micheif and love and passion once again.

He opened the door, with his overcoat on, ready to go find Lily.

He found her alright standing on the front porch of their house, with a shaking body, hands in her pockets, red splotchy cheeks, and her once sparkling green eyes, dull like his had been.

He looked at her for several moments, in disbelief and astonishment. He realized that she was really standing on the doorstep. He looked at her almost asking the question, Lily said yes with her eyes, that were starting to brighten.

He ran to her, and hugged her.

_SMASH._


End file.
